A Christmas Kitty for My Buddy

Got a call from my buddy Hank over the weekend. A longtime friend, he was in a panic. “T…I don’t know how to say this, but you’re a guy, right?”
“Last time I looked.”
“Well uh, I did something…not sure if it’s the right thing to have done, and I can be in lots of trouble here. Way, I mean waaaaay over my head. (pause) You there?”
“Yes I’m here. I’m just thinking of what you’ve already done that isn’t legal. This must be something else.”
“Yeah, it is. Truth is…are you sitting down?…I got a kitten.”

 I paused before finally telling him what he needed to hear: “Oh, I think you’re in trouble alright.”
“Really? How bad we talking about?”
“Pretty damn bad. Male or female?”
“Female.”
“Kind?”
“Yeah, she seems sweet…”
“No, what kind of cat is she?”
“A Russian Blue.”

“Just like mine! Pretty, aren’t they?”
“More like gorgeous. Beautiful golden eyes.”
“Where’d you score a Russian Blue?”
“At the animal shelter. Decided to venture on over there during my lunch hour. Just to take a look, mind you.”
“Famous last words, those. ‘To take a look.’ Might as well just hand over cash or a credit card when you enter the place.”
“Yeah, lesson learned. So what do I do?”

“You have the essentials?”
“I think so.”
“Tell me.”
“Let’s see: Kitty litter, litter box, scooper…very important…umm, kitty food – Science Diet which they told me is really good stuff though it looks like a bad bowel movement…oh, and some little sponge balls she can play with, plus a catnip doll. Whaddya think?”

“I know you’re in trouble, bud.”
“How? I didn’t get enough?”
“Oh, you got enough. Great start, actually. But you watch: you have one now, you’ll eventually get another.”
“Like tattoos, huh?”
“Umm, yeah…something like that,” I said, deciding to leave it alone.

“She’ll live a long time, right?”
“I had one that lived to 18.”
“I remember. And another for what, 14-15?
“Sixteen.”
“Damn. That’s longer than all of my relationships combined.”
“So where is she now?”
“She’s sniffing around my desk….and wait…she stopped…and now she’s licking herself. Wow, these things are flexible.”
“Well, she’s not a Gumby doll but yeah, they can get to places no human can.”

“You know, I called into work and told ’em I needed a day off. Asked why, I told ‘em I just got a kitten and don’t know what to do and don’t want the thing to die on me so I need to watch it closely for something like 24-48 hours to make sure it’ll be okay and…”
“Sounds more like you’re the one who needs a sitter.”
“Oh, I’m stressed – I’m stressed.”
“Here’s a hint: cut back on the caffeine. And just dial down dude…things’ll work out fine. You name her?”

“I’m working on it.” There was a pause before he softly said, “She really is cute. You know, it’s a nice Christmas gift I bought for myself. I think.”
“Well, I’d have bought myself a motorcycle, but okay.”
“That would’ve been my next….” He paused. “What the …? Oh dude, she just dropped a gift right on the floor.”

“Well, you set up the litter box, right?”
“Ummm, no…jeez, I knew there was something I needed to do before calling you.”
“Get to it.”
“I guess she’s already training me.”
“Oh, she’ll have you wrapped around her paws in no time. Probably by tonight. Lookit…just relax. Pick her up, walk around with her, show her the different things around the house. You know how to hold her, right?”

“Yes…I kinda cradle her and… wow…she’s just staring at me. I better set up the litter box as you said.”
“Hey, before you go: After you give her the tour, let her explore and ignore her as much as possible. Your house is now hers, buddy.” Silence on the other end. “You alright, Hank?”
“With some medication, maybe.”
“Call me in a couple days and let me know how it’s going.”

Hank called me the next day. “T…I did something else…not sure if it’s the right thing, and now I can be in lots of trouble.”
“What did you do now?”
“I got another kitten.”
“Wow, big surprise…not. You name her?”
“Yeah, this one was easy to name…Tatoo.”