A Revolution Against Resolutions

Writer of the Wry®

The Scene: A Diner in Burbank, CA

The Time: 10:15 AM, Monday, January 2, 2017

I was having lunch with two friends, Leah and Billy, when the subject of New Year’s resolutions came up. The food nearly came up from Billy.

Billy: Why the hell’d you have to bring that up. Spoiled my chicken sandwich…which was mediocre at best.

Leah: Just curious, is why. Wanted to see how many people actually make them these days.

Billy: Not me. I always break ‘em. You?

Leah: I make them.

Billy: Lemme guess: you adhere to all of ‘em, right?

Leah: Wrong. I’m as guilty as anybody else in not adhering to them.

Billy: (nods towards Tom) You’ve been quiet on this one. Any thoughts?

Tom: My thoughts? Ummm…my turkey sandwich needs more salt and pepper.

Billy: (frowning as he passes the items) Way to avoid the topic.

Tom: Look, it’s the same refrain year after year. ‘I’m gonna do this and that, while not doing that and this.’ And what happens? We don’t meet those expectations or excuse me…“resolutions”…and we spend the first part of the year kicking ourselves for failing this self-imposed test. Ask me, it’s masochistic.

Leah: Pessimistic.

Tom: Realistic.

Leah: So you don’t make any resolutions?

Tom: I have one.

Leah: Really? Do tell.

Tom: My resolution is not to make any resolutions.

Billy: You fell into that one.

Leah: I must be losing my edge.

Billy: Speaking of edges, may I have your butter knife? Mine has spots all over it.

Leah: (passes her butter knife over to Billy) Way to keep up with the conversation, Bill.

Billy: Glad to contribute. (puts down the butter knife and leans in) Here’s an idea and I think Tom’s onto something: Let’s each of us write down three goals, and hand it to the other two. At year’s end, we see who’s attained the most, and the winner gets…(he looks up in the air)…the winner gets…I dunno. What should the winner get?

Tom: A new Playstation 4. (he receives a quizzical look from Leah) Kidding. (pause) Well, not really. But okay, how about a dinner at Morton’s in Burbank?

Billy: I’m in. For the Playstation.

Leah: Boys and their toys.

Tom: What would you like then?

Leah: A Barbie Doll set and a Suzy Homemaker Super Oven.

Tom: Alright, alright. I’ll give it a go. Let’s write down our three goals…or how ‘bout this? Let’s raise the stakes, look at them as promises…and email them to one another. That way, we lock it in.

Billy: “Promises” makes it a lot scarier. Goals I can score.

Leah: So be realistic in what you write.

Billy: When should we have our lists in?

Tom: Let’s give ourselves time to think about it.

Billy: How’s December 31st ’17 sound?

Leah: Like a chicken.

Billy: (holds up a piece of chicken on his fork) Can’t be any worse than this.

Tom: I say we send them out by January 10th.

Leah: Deal.

Billy: (mumbles) ‘kay.

Tom: Harness that enthusiasm, big guy.

Leah: (to Tom) You already have your goals?

Tom: My resolution…is to enjoy the rest of my meal with you guys.

Leah: Meaning you’d like to change the subject.

Tom: Yes’m.

Leah: Your call.

Tom: Okay. Now, realistically speaking….

Leah: Yes?…

Tom: What do you think the LA Kings chances are for the Stanley Cup?

Billy: Oh mannnnnnn, now you really upset my stomach.

Leah: I think their goal…should be to score more goals.

Billy and Tom: Oooooh…

Bill: Listen to her…

Leah: That should be one of your goals for ’17…to listen to me more often.

Billy and Tom: Oooooh…

Fade out. To be continued…

Published by Writer of the Wry®

A native New Yorker without the accent, Tom Kramer's writing career began when his play, Caviar and Crumbcake was selected for a reading at the now defunct Circle Rep. Tom wishes to point out that ‘Crumbcake’ had nothing to do with the closing of the company. He was eventually selected as one of three playwrights into the prestigious Playwrights Horizons Theatre Workshop, where three one-act plays of his were produced: Painfully Employed, followed by Headshots, and Dim Bulbs. Painfully Employed went on to receive a full production at the Harold Clurman Theatre where it launched the Playwrights Horizons Winterfest and later was voted the 15th best short play in the United States by Writer`s Digest. Painfully Employed has since been produced at the 76th Street Theatre in New York City. Caviar and Crumbcake came back to enjoy a successful run at the Ensemble Studio Theater Summer Conference while his two-act comedy, Death Warmed Over appeared at The Neighborhood Playhouse. His one-act hit, Crime Coaching 101 was performed at the Ensemble Studio Theater Octoberfest, while his one-act comedy, Miss Prism’s Acting School for Wrestlers appeared at the Neighborhood Playhouse, and Rules Girl in Date Hell took center stage at the Princeton Alliance Theater. In April of 2016, Tom was accepted as a writer for the Huffington Post, and is grateful to the staff and readers of HuffPost. In 2017, Tom's Writer of the Wry® received official USPTO trademark status. In March of 2019, Tom became a features writer for Pasadena Magazine. In November of 2019, Tom was voted in as a member of the SAG-AFTRA Los Angeles Communications Committee, and a member of the Editing Subcommittee. In front of the camera, Kramer has appeared as a principal performer or spokesman in numerous national commercials ranging from the Liquid Plumr man, to the Total Cereal man, to a Miller Beer man, while his roles on daytime dramas ran the gamut from a knife-wielding assassin, to a licorice-chewing detective, to a pencil-pushing accountant. Characters portrayed Off-Off Broadway have included a knucklehead, a nerd, and a ne’er-do-well. He has also lent his voice to various voice-over spots and hopes to get said voice back one of these days. In January 2021, Tom retired from the acting profession to concentrate on his writing projects, which include a novel and a screenplay. In addition to having worked as an actor, dramatist and columnist, he researched and wrote for the award-winning PBS series, Nature. Subjects included: Cats, bats and horses. To this day, he’s allergic to two and still scared of one. Tom Kramer – Writer of the Wry® TomKramerWrites.com TomKramerUSA.com

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